Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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