i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
