I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
