finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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