I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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