Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
