between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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