im about as happy as oj after his trial
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
