i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
