you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
