Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
