We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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