the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
