I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
