i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
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I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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