also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
