After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
