Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
