Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
