The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
