Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
