hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So many bounce houses so little time
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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