Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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