What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
