I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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