Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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