I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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