Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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