and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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