How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
