Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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