hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
