i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
