I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
