made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
