you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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