Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
