I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
