I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
