Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
