I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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