she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
