Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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