we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
