why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
