trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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