a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
