watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
