What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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