Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
