I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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