And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
