Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
