he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
