My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
