the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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