She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize