areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
bring money and cleavage
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
