In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
