If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss