woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.