How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous