Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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